From the Foreword When asked to write the foreword for “Unmasked,” I was not thrilled because I must confess that quite often I am capable of very little faith. The truth is… I struggle! I must also admit that in the midst of my bouts with doubt, Paige has always been there encouraging me on like the “hopeless optimist.” Don’t get me wrong, Paige is not a “Pollyanna” at all. She simply believes in God and truly knows in her heart that God is going to do what He says He wants to do.  So in a sense, this book is for me and you… for all who struggle. This book is for anyone who has ever hoped and prayed for a better life even though all signs pointed to the opposite.  It is for those who dare to dream that there really are happy endings … as well as for those who dare not dream at all. This book is a testimony to the healing power of the God-ordained Twelve Steps. But most of all, “Unmasked” is a gift to bring hope to the hopeless. Many would fear to bare their soul to the world by publicly exposing their deepest secrets for the good of others… but not my wife, not Paige. She cares too much. She loves too much! Like Paul of Tarsus, she boasts of her weaknesses, past and present, to comfort and encourage the sick and suffering. Within the pages of “Unmasked,” Paige has chronicled her hopes and dreams and her despair and failure; as well as the many lessons learned from them.  The book is a detailed account of her journey from childhood pain and disappointment through the absolute abyss of bulimia and addiction to the fulfillment of many dreams-come-true.  It will take you through her struggle to find the “God of her understanding” in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous into the study of Metaphysics and New Age practice to direct experiences with the Lord, Jesus Christ. Other than our precious ten-year-old daughter, Paige has blessed me with the gift of hope many times when I felt hopeless. May the Lord bless you now with her willingness to be used by Him and for Him that in these pages you may see yourself as He sees you … His precious child who He loves and adores! I invite you to set aside what you think you already know about Religion, the Twelve Steps, and God … that you may have a new experience with Him now; and  please enjoy “Unmasked: One Soul’s Journey from Anonymity to Identity.”  You may recognize yourself along the way. The Rt. Rev. Mark R. (Randy) DeHart From the Introduction The following pages are excerpts from my journal that began as a class requirement in my tenth grade English class. Weeks into the assignment, I became certain that it was an important project that would someday be published. Consequently, I have been obedient to the push from within that has consistently urged me to “write that down.”  The journal is now twenty-eight years old and twenty-two books long. Beginning with an entry from 1980 when I was eighteen years old and finishing high school, the book has been edited in order to respect your time and patience, but remains raw enough to capture the truth of the person I was at the time of the writing. Although God dramatically entered my life in 1986, I have been an alcoholic, an addict, a compulsively overeating bulimic, a harlot, an adulteress, a child murderer, a manic depressive with psychotic tendencies, a liar, a cheater, and a thief. I am a fallen soul – saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ and given an entirely new life, from the inside out. Nonetheless, my journey to redemption has been unconventional. Spiritually, I have been immersed in Alcoholics Anonymous, Unity Church, the Self-Realization Fellowship, the Pentecostal Church, the Evangelical Bible Church, and the Anglican Church. As a self-educated college drop-out, my intellectual pursuits have been Psychology, Quantum Physics, Sociology, and World Religion. I have found pieces of truth, as well as error, in all of these places, but have been able to reconcile my learning into a comprehensive worldview. Consequently, one of the objectives of this book is to share this reconciliation with you; to educate you on the nature of addiction and the vital ingredients necessary for permanent and effective Twelve Step sobriety, to clarify the distorted truths of New Age Thought, and to illuminate the universal truths of life as well as the unique Truth of Christianity. However, the most important objective of this book is to bring hope to those of you who feel as though you are lost beyond retrieval.  I pray that my experience will encourage you to believe that there is nothing that you can do or have done that is capable of separating you from the love of God - if only you will turn to Him and follow Him.  I have exposed my deepest and most shameful secrets that you may know that you are not alone.  It is my prayer that all of us may learn that the one true God desires and is able to meet us where we are with the ultimate purpose of unifying us for the perfection and peace of His world. I encourage you to move through these pages with honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to stretch beyond your previous boundaries of knowledge and understanding in order to have a fresh perspective of yourself, your companions in life, and the world in which you live. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” May God Himself lead you personally and profoundly into the deep reality of this statement; into an experience with Him as the endless well of Life, Love, and Truth.  This is the hope of glory. Paige DeHart From the Book July 17, 1980 I just don’t understand the simplest things anymore and I’m becoming more and more of a pessimist. I wish that I could stop feeling sorry for myself. I don’t understand where all of my hope went – probably hanging out somewhere with my belief in God. I don’t believe in anything anymore – not even reality. I have no idea what I want to do. Life is not anything like I thought it would be. I guess that’s what I get for thinking – or at least for having preconceived notions. I just want to scream my head off until things start making sense again. I want to dream again and understand what is going on inside of me. I try to count my blessings, but I feel as though I am coming up short. Sometimes, I want to give up and cash it all in due to plain old lack of interest. Most of the time, I just want to cry. I’ve got so much boiling inside of me, but I’m not even sure of what it is. I think I’m going crazy – literally. I have this horrible feeling of dread inside of me, but I don’t even know what I’m dreading. Even worse, I don’t know what I’m looking forward to. I guess I just need to be more patient with myself and give myself time to evolve into thinking and knowing what I do or will. July 23, 1982 I do believe that God exists because when I deny Him, my life seems to block itself from understanding. I’ve evaluated everything and reset my goals, but the anxiety and depression won’t go away. Maybe I expect too much too soon. I’ve spent a lot of time denying my needs – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I’ve got to stop losing myself all the time or someday I might not be able to find me again. Eat right, exercise, no marijuana, pray, be nice, work hard, alcohol in moderation: I always set the same goals, but they never seem to materialize. Why am I such a self-defeatist? August 12, 1986 I’m not as good a person as I thought I was. I’m not even sure if “good people” really exist in the sense that I thought they did. I look around me and realize that almost everyone I know is selfish. The one’s that aren’t are lonely and unhappy. April 4, 1987 The longer I progress into recovery, the more aware I become of exactly how sick I have been. It is a long, long road and sometimes I feel as though I’m not tough enough to survive the journey.  I’m a very insecure person. It’s no wonder I procrastinate doing Step Four (the fearless moral inventory). It’s like surgery without anesthesia.  Why do I always feel such urgency about life’s situations? Who taught me that I have to be in a hurry or I’ll miss my chance? Who said that it’s now or never? It’s when it’s supposed to be and, for some reason, that’s hard for me to accept. When can I start being me and not always worrying about how this “me” seems to others? This life truly is a mystery. The further I go, the less I know for sure. Everywhere I turn is a paradox. Every step I take leads me toward the unknown and away from familiarity. I don’t want my faith to shake yet it is hard not to be afraid that I am being led astray. I went from the merry-go-round to a run-away-mine-train.  When will I truly know the conductor? May 4, 1987 It’s so hard to believe that true joy is so simple. After so many years of analyzing everything, it seems ironic that the analysis itself was the cause of so much pain. August 4, 1987 I feel very negative and self-destructive. I realized today the full extent of my mental illness that I’ve always casually referred to as “my self-destructive tendencies.”   January 3, 1988 It occurred to me the other day that before I can begin to be happy, I must stop being miserable. May 13, 1988 Right now I feel like I don’t know anything about life. Everyone talks about how they had to face reality once they got in the program and sobered up. What is reality? Either it’s passed right over my head or I haven’t started facing it yet. I do realize that the things I want out of life are going to require hard work, but I still believe in miracles and dreams come true.  I won’t give up – ever. September 1, 1988       I don’t know if I’ll ever sober up and fly right. The bulimia has me near death – vomiting blood, bloating, and severe headaches. I don’t think that I’m ever going to get it together. The worse part is that I don’t even know if I want to. It’s just too hard. I feel as though I’m doomed to live in darkness forever. August 17, 1989 I feel terrible right now. I’m so depressed and suicidal again. I need to be in a hospital, but I have my doubts that it will happen. The realization of how sick I am is overwhelming. I am a very sick woman and I don’t seem to be getting any better. My relationships don’t work because of my mental illness and neither does my life. I know that the Twelve Steps have helped people that were as sick as I am, but I still don’t have very much hope. I keep winding down more and more. Once again, I’m caught in the downward spiral. I literally don’t want to get out of bed at this point. I can’t feel any joy. It seems like the whole world is enjoying life without me. I wish so much that I hadn’t taken that drink, but I’ve got to admit that I feel so bad that I could do it again. But now I see what they mean – there’s no situation so bad that taking a drink won’t make it worse. This too shall pass. I need God. I need support. I need professional help. A sick mind does not heal itself. December 21, 1989 I see that I have been very self-righteous about my program.  I will never be immune from this disease.  I see what they mean when they say I must guard my sobriety with vigilance.  I realize that there still lurks something inside of me that wants to shatter my world. That is very scary. September 16, 1990 I have a terminal, killer disease called addiction that wants to destroy me and I cannot fight it alone. This guy said tonight that it’s a “we” disease. I see. I am not cured. I am still sick. I need the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous to stay alive. I am not beyond hearing things that I need to hear. I know that I’m growing because I’m changing again. Forget circuit speaking, twenty-first century Messenger/Minister, world-wide fame, and recognition. I want to focus on program maintenance, being a good mother, doing Twelve Step work, trying to get out of debt, learning how to have a decent relationship, and having a nice family. I just want to learn how to be a plain old human being. Besides all of that big stuff is like point Z. I’m probably at about point C (and that’s being generous). You can’t get to point Z without going through A … B … C … D … E … F … G … etc. There’s no way out but through.  December 18, 1990 I may have learned my lesson about spiritual pride, but I didn’t learn my lesson about powerlessness over alcohol. Today is my third day sober after a miserable five-day drunk; complete with blackouts, hangovers, and utterly embarrassing and humiliating behavior. When I went to bed two nights ago and thanked God for my day of sobriety, I meant it. I think I’m finally beginning to see that anything in this life that I truly desire will never be mine until I stop trying to make it happen. Sounds like powerlessness to me. I have no control in this world. April 16, 1991 Things are at a point where I don’t really have anything to complain about. I’m so addicted to intensity and excitement that the lack of it almost makes me crazy. Obtaining peace in the midst of the storm is nothing to obtaining peace in the midst of the peace. It’s me!  It’s me!  It’s me!  I’m my problem. I guess that I’ve just been coming out of denial and seeing that I really do need to change. I am irresponsible, immature, and lazy. Basically, I just need to grow up and face the responsibilities of personhood. The bottom line is that I am beginning to change from the inside out. I may not want to grow up, but I need to. I am beginning to want what I need rather than need what I want. Thy will, not mine, be done. January 18, 1992 I have not been writing because I have been experiencing peace and balance in my life. This is the longest I’ve probably ever gone without creating a crisis and I’d say it’s been about ten days. I realized something the other day that really blows my mind; living doesn’t hurt any more. The wounds are healing. I live in a different world today and I am a different person and I am so grateful for that. Today, I am a person that the old me would have absolutely hated. I’m everything that I always believed that I never wanted to be. I can see now that all of that anger and non-conformity was really a mask for my pain from tremendously low self-esteem. Rather than admit that I felt so less-than, I just lashed out and hated everyone and told myself that I didn’t want to be a “part of.”  I’m finally “a part of” my own life. January 14, 1993 I’ve noticed that the commitments I have the hardest time keeping are the ones I make to myself.  I guess that shows me what a people pleaser I am. I try not to let other people down because I want them to like me, but I don’t think twice about letting myself down when getting mad at myself is the worst person in the world to have mad at me because I can feel it.  In my meditation today, I heard that I need to stop worrying about where I’m going and to just be where I am.  There’s nowhere to go—but here. April 5, 1993 I’m at another one of those stages of my recovery where everything changes. It seems amusing to me that every time I get any sort of humility it is because I finally see how blind and arrogant I have been. I really am at a stage where I just want to have a humble heart and a willingness to be helpful. I’ve been pushing myself on a quest to win attention from other people. It’s finally dawned on me that all that really gives me fulfillment is the knowledge that at the end of each day I have done the most careful things with myself and others. Life is fragile and I tend to sometimes treat it like it’s indestructible. I pray for a heart that truly loves. I’ve been trying to believe that I’m a nicer person than I really am. I am willing to be nicer, but I need help with it. I need my God and Lord to help me. March 26, 1995 Life is so beautiful and God is so wonderful. I live for the moments where the poignant fragility of life trickles in my soul. Life is like butterfly wings; capable of flight, yet also capable of annihilation by even a north wind. Thank God for the shelter that is God’s love. I am such a truly blessed person.  I am not who I was before and I am ever-changing into the likeness of He who created me. January 23, 1997 The other day I was sitting in my rocker, nursing the baby, and listening to the older kids bicker over homework. I had dinner in the oven and about a million loads of laundry to fold.  All I could think was, “This is fun.”  Last night, I woke up and realized that what I had been experiencing were the sounds and feelings of a “family” – my family.  I guess that’s all I ever really needed – to be a part of a family.  It’s just not over-rated.  I’m just so grateful to be experiencing these simple things.  I’m so grateful to live!  I love my simple, beautiful life. June 3, 1997 Sometimes, I think of myself as “nicer” than I really am because I judge myself by my thoughts and feelings rather than by my actions. If I’m having “happy” thoughts, I believe myself to be nice. I guess I’m sometimes oblivious to my actions and the effect that they have on others. This helps me to understand principles like “act your way into right thinking,” “examine your motives,” and “don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides” better. However, true authenticity is to have my actions and thoughts aligned. I’ve got a long way to go. February 7, 1998 I can see that I have been deeply programmed to believe that negative emotional excess is crazy … that I better stuff it and not let anyone know how unmanageable my feelings really are. Thank God for books and people who have gone through this process. They validate for me that weepiness, anxiety, and rage are all a part of the unmasking. March 3, 1998 I put Toy Story on for the baby yesterday. The scene that stuck out to me was when Buzz Lightyear realized that he was “just a toy” and not really a “space ranger.”  He was bummed.  I could relate.  Woody told him that there was no such thing as “just a toy.”  He was someone’s toy and the little boy who he belonged to thought that he was a really cool toy. Once again, I’m realizing that I am “just a human being.”  However, yesterday I got to see that I am someone’s mother and someone’s wife and someone’s friend and that they love me.  Even more I could see how blessed I am to have these “someones” in my life. In a sense, we really are nothing without relation to those around us.  Einstein’s theory of relativity goes a lot further than time or space.  I guess the bottom line is that I am seeing that I am not separate from those around me.  We are a part of each other … a part of this cosmic weave called “life.”  I am someone special, but so is everyone.  Once again, on a deeper level, I see that there is no such thing as an ordinary person in an extraordinary world. October 14, 1998 I’m beginning to see that I defend my “right to be me” - to defend my right to be irreverent and opinionated and bawdy and sometimes inappropriate; to defend my right to be wrong. May 8, 2001 The new agers say that we have to “stake our claim,” which I know has validity, but the Bible says to ask and you receive.  There seems to be a fine line here.  It seems like some think that we are supposed to take what He wants to give us. October 16, 2001 I want to believe that to try and fail is hopeful, but there is something deep within me that still believes that to fail is to be a loser.  Quitter – loser – bad girl.  My deepest fear is that this is the truth of me.  What is this thing within me that will not let me rest in peace? January 12, 2002 I’m beginning to see that ignorance and stupidity are not necessarily the same thing.  Ignorance is darkness whereas wisdom is light.  A person can be intelligent and ignorant simultaneously.  The human race has become so intelligent that it is absolutely ignorant to the truth.  That’s sad and it’s frightening.  The Apostles were writing letters about man-made rules and losing sensitivity to God 2000 years ago.  Obviously, we haven’t been listening. January 19, 2003 Christianity always aggravated me because it seemed that the Gospel insinuated that a loving God would smite you to hell if you didn’t accept Jesus, but now I get it.  The Bible says, “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.  He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already.” (John 3:17-18)  We’re already condemned without Jesus!  The “accuser” is holding us hostage—telling us that we’re nothing, that we don’t matter, that the world is not safe, etc.  Condemnation is the captor!  A lot of people can’t accept Jesus as Savior because they don’t really understand that they’re in bondage. That’s a trip.  It reminds be of the movie, The Matrix.  We’re all being held captive in a situation that is so deceptive that we’re not consciously aware of it.  At certain times, we get the creepy feeling that something is not quite right, but we just can’t figure it out.  In the movie, the ones who have broken free offer the “red pill” to the ones who want to know the real truth.  The red pill is like the blood of Jesus.  Hey everybody, take the red pill so we can get out of the matrix! From the Epilogue January 14, 2005 I have been editing the journal to its form that will be submitted to publishers.  This is quite an experience for me because it continues to blow my mind concerning the faithfulness and thoroughness of Jesus—and the utter depravity of myself without Him. The good news about it is the Good News Himself. He is faithful; even when I fail. He showed me that the reason I can now clearly see my selfishness and depravity is because the beam in my eye has been removed much more.  He showed me that all we really ever see is ourselves. If we see others with judgment, we see what we are. If we see with compassion, we see what we have been—or could be. With compassion, we are able to see – both within ourselves and in others – what we are capable of becoming through His love and grace and mercy. To me, that is just beautiful. Another very clear lesson that He has taught me through the journal is that the “only way out is through.” In ’89, it is so clear that I took the potential of what was to come and just pretended as if it already was without the “working out” of it all. I fell hard and then realized that what was truly in front of me was sobriety and integrity.  The journey of a thousand miles truly does begin with the first step, but every step must be taken—in order. It is simple life on life’s terms that prepares us for any dream-come-true. You can’t become a teacher without first being an obedient student. I am truly blessed because I have literally been taught everything I know by the Master Teacher Himself, but what He has taught me is that the foundation is the most important part of the structure and that the integrity of the whole is impossible without the Chief Cornerstone—Him. We cannot build a tower to Heaven, but the Master Builder can construct layer upon layer of deep and examined experience that finalizes in a very “High” structure, but it is an organic whole - not a compartmentalized edifice. I’ve spent my whole life dreaming of the time that is happening now. He has made my ministry my vocation and the journal has come to its completion point for the book. Yet now I understand that all of this would be meaningless without the deep content and awesome context of my life. This whole world is focused on the outer form of what things look like without understanding that it is the filling that is the substance; and substance requires both righteous seed and fertile ground. Let me say right now to those that are reading this (He’s prompted me my whole life to take notes for you): if you have a dream, dare to believe in it, but understand this… The simple things in life done well are truly the most difficult tasks: to be patient with a child, to be loving and supportive to a spouse, to be fair, to be honest. The integrity of your own soul is the most important thing and the relationships in your life are your laboratory to test and strengthen your living skills.  I believe that this has best been said as “For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” (Matthew 16:26)  It takes much more humility to be a window washer than to be the executive sitting in the leather chair inside the window.